Life always has the uncanny knack of placing you at the rudiments of a treacherous path with two choices. The easy one is to give up. The difficult one needs you to dig deep and find the resolve to keep moving forward. Life thus far has thought me that each of those journeys starts with beating a mind filled with chimerical impossibilities, heartbreaks, setbacks and failures. It takes nerves of steel to take that first step and what might make the struggle bearable is the promise-land of possibilities that maybe waiting beyond and maybe, just maybe those repudiated along the way while you were busy getting here.
Will you be chastised for your indiscretions or afforded the nurturing solace that you once enjoyed is something that only time can reveal. Till such time when time has the answers, hunker down and dig your heels deep my friend for the path is treacherous and the stake is high, but the heart knows not the shackles of continued imprisonment.

“Aarambha Shoora” – means, a hero at the beginning. And I think that’s exactly what I have been. I was so enthusiastic and pumped up to start off this blog, I have wilted under the pressure of all the “work”, this takes.

I have been heroic at the beginning and with my job, chores at home and my commitment to being fitter (which I have to say, I am making meager progress), I have lost track of this blog. I wanted to quickly post this snippet to keep this going and to remind my self that there is a lot going on. I have to check a few boxes before posts here become more frequent.

Quick few things I have been thinking about:

1. Wife, still thinks I am sweet
   • It feels nice, and makes me worried a little bit. I attribute it to husband paranoia.
2. I have been thinking a lot about how to be a better parent
   • Every time, I loose my cool with someone on the road or customer service or family, I fear that my kid will learn from seeing me. That scares the shit out of me.
3. I have been trying to talk to my baby, but haven’t been able to say anything meaningful.
   • The last thing I want is my kid and I developing the kind of relationship my father and I share. My dad is ok, but to date, probably because of the kind of upbringing I have had, my dad and I don’t converse – our interactions are very transactional, to the point and usually one of us never gets to complete expressing what’s on their mind.
4. I had plans of reading a book to my baby, haven’t started it.
   • I feel like a complete failure on this front – I am not even able to think up a reason for why this is.

There’s more, but this is for now.

Hoping to power through and be “Anthya Veera” – although, I realize, I can only be an anthya veera after I have accomplished the things I want to provide for my baby and that “providing” is a journey and not an end-state. I just fear immersing myself completely in the quest or struggle for providing and not enjoying the day-to-day stuff.

Somewhere, deep down, I feel it’s the absence of that day-to-day stuff that has probably made the equation between my dad and I what it is today and I, like I said, fear that the most and wouldn’t want my baby and me to grow apart like that.

Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvLv48_GQYk

Let me start by saying, you always treat your wife/spouse/domestic partner or any other lady in your life, like a queen. Not just because she is carrying your baby, but because that’s just basic human decency. Appreciate her beauty, be thankful they choose you when they could’ve picked any Tom, Harry or a Dick(head) – now you don’t go end up becoming the douche, be the best person you can be irrespective of whether other person deserves your best or not. In fact, you and I are nobody to decide what someone else deserves and doesn’t. All of us should just try to be the best person we can be and the world will be a happier place.

Let me also say, in the process of treating someone like a queen, I don’t imply that you should do it even if you’re loosing your own identity and respect in the process. To the contrary in fact! Trust me it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to treat another person with dignity and respect.

Now that we have this out of our way. The mother of your baby is a queen in every sense and you will treat her no less.

A bunch of stuff that I have been queuing up.

• Stuff I have been doing that I was otherwise just lazy to do
• Nausea, tiredness, sleep and cravings
• Outside influences
• Baby Names & Baby Shower
• Miscellaneous

Stuff I have been doing that I was otherwise just lazy to do

So, lot’s of stuff. Other than the usual household chores – and man are there chores? – holy son of a gun!

After our first visit to the doctor where we just confirmed the home pregnancy test result, my wife started experiencing the usual symptoms of a new mother to be – Nausea, general tiredness, wanting to sleep longer.. etc.. Although, knowing my wife, I am not entirely sold on the fact that the last symptom there is really one related to pregnancy – Boy, am I sleeping on the couch, the day she reads this :O . In any case, more about all of these later.

For now, it’s just a fact that I have been doing more around the house than I used to. I am cooking dinners and lunches more frequently that I used to. I have been cleaning up the house more frequently than I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying all this to brag, I like most guys, used to put these off as much as I could because at the end of the day, I knew my wife has OCD when it comes to household chores – she wants it done when she wants it done and I know if I can put it off long enough, she will just do it herself instead of waiting for me to do it. Evil, I know. I am guilty as charged. Of course, there are times when I know I can no longer procrastinate hoping she will do it, those times, I have the fire lit up my bum my friend and I zip through the chores and then some to get brownie points that could (not guaranteed) come in handy on a rainy day. But, the procrastinating was more often than the fire, you know!

But, from the time we have found out about the pregnancy, I am not able to bring myself to procrastinate chores. I am just on it the moment I see it – I have wiped the kitchen counter and the stove immediately after cooking more times in the last couple of months than my entire life. That should give you a sense. I am not sure if all dads to be experience this or not, but I am telling you I haven’t been able to put off chores.

Now, I have become no saint. I still give my wife the stink eye when she asks for the salt and pepper shaker or the pickle jar after I have set the food in front of her and sit down myself to eat – the “couldn’t you have asked for that before I sat down” look, but I get up just as instantaneously as the stink eye make the appearance to get her what she asked for. It’s like my mind and my body are being controlled by two different people and eventually the mind wins and body just does as instructed. I am not complaining and neither is my wife. But I am confused about how I am able to do all this.

Just realizing that this post is too long for one post, I am breaking this up into multiple posts, also because I am tired of typing all this!

I am becoming a father! There – it is in the open now! That said, what an apt title for the first blog – I have to confess, technically, this is not my first blog. But, this is my first anonymous blog. Right now, even my wife is unaware about this blog. She will know about it – just not sure when. I wish to keep this anonymous till I decide to go public about the new addition to our family. The reason for anonymity is because “we” have decided to keep it this way and only progressively disclose the joy of our news to family and friends as the time becomes appropriate to each individual in our family and friends group.

I keep referring to “we” because right now the decision to open this up to everyone is not entirely mine. My wife wants me to in fact keep this news away from social media as well. I understand, but God! I am becoming a father and there is no way I can keep quite about it. Growing up over all these years, I had developed grandiose ideas and visions about what kind of a man I will grow up into, what kind of a son I will be to my mother, brother to my siblings, friend I will be to the people near and dear to me. I had dreams, principles and values about the kind of boyfriend, husband I will be. All of which I carefully and iteratively developed over the years from the experiences I had, from the observations I made about my friends in these various roles, by paying attentions to everything everybody shared with me about their feelings to groom myself to be an ideal person in all these roles. How successful I have been in each of these roles because of all this learning – the less I speak of it the better 😛 Kidding aside, I have at least been honest to myself and all the people who are important to me are still part of my life; varying degrees, but still part nonetheless and that I think is good enough.

Much like this, I had envisioned fatherhood too. I have seen fathers who have been more friends than parents, and fathers who could shame the harshest dictators the world has seen. I learned from all of them. Observed them. Made tiny mental notes about what I liked and what I may have done differently. And swear to GOD, I haven’t been able to remember any of these notes, ever since I found out that we are expecting. I am happy, excited, scared, worried all at the same time.

The only thing I have been thinking about is how to be a better provider! How to become someone who would find a way to never say no to my child.

Of course, I have loads of silly thoughts fleeting through my mind, none of which I want to forget – hence this blog.